movie reviews for week of february 5^th, 2010

vexed​.ca presents: the laziest film reviews ever.

with an unstoppable combination of laziness and lack of writing skill, one sentence reviews hopes to revolutionize the way film reviews are done: by being short and quick to read. let’s face it: you probably don’t have much of an attention span. you want something that goes straight to the point to tell you whether or not a certain movie is worth your time. lots of writers take time to prepare their reviews — they even may watch the movie before writing their review. we know better.

top ten movies (by box office) — week of february 5^th, 2010:

1. dear john

released: february 5^th, 2010

should i watch this: only if you want to have sex

review: this is a movie based on a book from nicholas sparks (who wrote the notebook), so that means your girlfriend will drag you to see this or you won’t be having sex for months.

2. avatar

released: december 18^th, 2010

should i watch this: only if you want to be like everyone else

review: if you haven’t seen this movie yet, don’t — it’s a piece of shit that bombed at the box office and those that did see it completely hated it.

3. from paris with love

released: february 5^th, 2010

should i watch this: i recommend not supporting john travolta

review: luc besson is involved which is good, but john travolta is in it which is bad — i would hedge your bets and just download this one illegally.

4. edge of darkness

released: january 29^th, 2010

should i watch this: wait for it to come out on dvd /​dvd-​rip

review: mel gibson loves being in movies where his family gets killed — must be all that catholic guilt.

5. tooth fairy

released: january 22^th, 2010

should i watch this: absolutely

review: if you really look into dwayne johnson’s eyes, you can see how hollow they have become because he sold his soul to the devil to continue making these family-​friendly action embarassments.

6. when in rome

released: january 29^th, 2010

should i watch this: no

review: kristen bell does not get naked in this so this movie lacks any redeeming quality.

7. the book of eli

released: january 15^th, 2010

should i watch this: yes

review: a family-​friendly movie that instills old fashion values told as a biblical allegory involving a guy who kills everyone to save the world.

8. crazy heart

released: december 16^th, 2009

should i watch this: bring your grandpa too

review: a stern warning of what happens to you if you keep drinking pabst blue ribbon and watching nascar.

9. legion

released: january 22^nd, 2010

should i watch this: yes… but don’t pay for it

review: the commercials had more action in it than the movie ended up happening, but then you combine that with how every guy character in this movie spends the entire time crying… well…

10. sherlocke holmes

released: december 25^th, 2009

should i watch this: yes

review: even though rachel mcadams doesn’t get naked in this, this was actually a pretty good movie because sherlocke holmes is a drug addict who tries to kill his pet dog multiple times throughout the film.