in a land­mark january 21^st decision by the highest court in the greatest country of the world, the supreme court — the single-​most trusted body in the entire uni­verse — finally recog­nized the con­sti­tu­tional rights of america’s most mar­gin­al­ized seg­ment of the pop­u­la­tion: corporations.

in a ges­ture that one observer described as “a middle finger to freedom-​haters every­where”, the judi­ciary voted 5 – 4 in favour of over­turning the 2002 dra­conian measure better known as the mccain-​feingold act (as well as many other pieces of freedom-​hating, corporate-​prejudiced legis­la­tion that date back to 1907) which pre­vented cor­porate entities in the great land of america from airing their con­cerns by lim­iting how much they could donate during elections.

walking out of the courtroom, cor­por­a­tions such as car­gill, monsanto, chevron, among many others, were in tears after the judges rendered their decisions. not since abraham lincoln’s eman­cip­a­tion pro­clam­a­tion and the civil rights move­ment of the 1960s has there been such a pro­gressive shift in america’s polit­ical landscape.

“it’s about time,” one cor­por­a­tion said to a reporter on the steps of the cap­itol. “cor­por­a­tions have existed for hun­dreds of years, and while we’ve made some pro­gress, this quite pos­sibly is the biggest step in being recog­nized as equals in amer­ican society.”

“there’s still a long way to go,” offered another. “we still don’t have the right to vote, but hope­fully that will change soon.”

sur­pris­ingly, this pro­gressive motion by the high court had nothing to do with pres­ident barack obama, whose cam­paign was fueled on hope and a more fair society. cor­por­a­tions were quick to note that the credit for this incred­ible decision belonged to george w bush and his father, george h w bush.

“if dubya and his father had not nom­in­ated justices samuel alito, john g roberts, and clar­ence thomas, who knows how much longer it would have taken for this day to come.”

in a country faced with such pressing con­cerns as eco­nomic sta­bility, trade defi­cits, gay mar­riage, and the legal status of marijuana, the feeling of the cor­porate pop­u­la­tion of america is that they are one step closer in uniting america.

“it lifts my heart that we can look past each other’s dif­fer­ences. this is where the healing pro­cess begins. finally, cor­por­a­tions like you and me will have a say in elec­tions and can have more of an impact on how things are done in america. our voices will no longer be silenced.”

on the other side of the debate, obama, in his state of the union address, said of the supreme court decision, “this is total fucking bull­shit.”

cor­por­a­tions who were tuned in were shocked by obama’s remarks, coming only days after the supreme court decision.

“my god,” one said. “he’s a black pres­ident. of all people, he must under­stand how we feel. it took us longer to be recog­nised than blacks in this country. i cannot sup­port a pres­ident who can say such evil, hateful things. we know who we’ll be sup­porting in the next election.”