yulia tymoshenko

appar­ently, ukraine incum­bent prime min­ister and pres­id­en­tial can­didate, yulia tymoshenko, did some­thing or other in ukraine. you can read about it here since i’m writing this up because i’m a shame­less chau­vinist and would prefer to post pic­tures of women than get into a polit­ical ana­lysis of ukraine’s deeply divided polit­ical system and the heated exchanges taking place in lieu of the 2010 elec­tions coming up later this week. how­ever, with yulia in the news, this brings up a very per­tinent and important ques­tion of our time. who exactly are (were) the best looking female politi­cians and polit­ical fig­ures out there?

an intro­duc­tion: well, for starters, women in politics isn’t par­tic­u­larly rare nowadays since we dis­covered recently that they have other body parts aside from boobs and a vagina. alas, like their lowly male coun­ter­parts, the lookers are far and few between, and that’s why the 6/​10s in the world like sarah palin (who is actu­ally a 2/​10 when you take into account her mental fac­ulties) and even 4/​10s like hil­lary clinton (which means i would sleep with hil­lary before palin) get put into hot­test cat­egory. everyone needs a slump­buster occa­sion­ally, but if you do a little research, you’ll see that there are actu­ally quite a few bomb­shells. here are my picks.

the top 3:

exhibit a: dana perino

black eye = hotness

sum­mary: for example, what about dana perino? i would watch unin­form­ative and deflection-​ridden pres­id­en­tial press con­fer­ences just because she was standing at the booth, all ice-​queen-​cold-​bitch like, giving every reporter the, “ser­i­ously? fuck you” look. i know a lot of people say she’s a thin-​lipped, passive-​aggressive little mon­ster, but all i see is every girl i dated in high school — touched with anger, a little haughty, and will never, ever, in a mil­lion years admit that they are wrong (she is a repub­lican after all. see what i did there?) i always did enjoy a little bit of evil in my women. thus, her famili­arity fills me with a sen­ti­ment­ality that i cannot escape.

del­icate, but razer sharp at the edges

dating pro­file: well-​educated and from a good upbringing. your renee-​zellweger-​in-​a-​fish-​out-​of-​water-​romantic-​comedy kind of fare. urban com­muter in the day, gated-​community sub­urb­anite in the evening. prob­ably watches a lot of rented home movies since she never gets invited out much. is tied down to a career and does not foresee any chil­dren in her imme­diate future. will regret this decision at the age of 45 and have a spec­tac­ular mid-​life crisis break­down due to years of private binge drinking. it will be epic and sexy as fuck.

exhibit b: eunice olsen

eunice is a cover girl

sum­mary: okay, so this one is kind of a cheater. she’s used to be a member of the singa­pore par­lia­ment, but before that, she was a beauty queen (win­ning the miss uni­verse singa­pore pageant back in 2000), and did a lot of roles on tv over there before entering politics. not your self-​made “i didn’t suck anybody’s dick and worked my fucking ass off to get to where i am, so you better show me some respect” female polit­ical figure. this is not to say that she did suck any dick to get to where she was — and eunice, if you googled your­self and are reading this right now, please don’t be offended. when i say “dick sucking”, i mean it in an abso­lutely fig­ur­ative and artistic way… except when i look at your pic­tures. ‘coz you’re a total babe.

facial sym­metry at its finest.

dating pro­file: clearly half-​asian, eunice will carry traits from both her respective eth­ni­cities. typ­ical of attractive asian women, she will be prickly, picky, and expensive to date. the caucasian side, as is typ­ical with middle-​america white girls (even though she’s from singa­pore, who cares), will carry with it a deep sense of insec­urity which leads ulti­mately to over­achieving — thus explaining her model-​turned-​politician career move. although she’s been out of office for a while now, any­thing she will do in singa­pore will be covered by news media because she’s just so damn pleasant to look at. just make sure you keep her enterained ‘coz this busy body isn’t in the market for slouches.

exhibit c (and the WINNER): queen rania al abdullah of jordan

all that and a bag of falafel

sum­mary: this is what hap­pens when you mix AWESOME with OH MY GOD and sprinkle in WOW with a dash of HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK. in terms of looks, queen rania is a mix of her­mione granger and nat­alie portman. hard working, bril­liant, and a role model for her people, she is basic­ally the arab ver­sion of bono, except not nearly as pre­ten­tious, less ugly and, most import­antly, with a vagina (though it could be argued bono… nev­er­mind). coming from the middle east, she des­troys all ill-​conceived western ste­reo­typ­ical notions of an arab woman. oh, and did i men­tion she’s fucking gorgeous?

dating pro­file: don’t bother. she’s so far out of anyone’s league that she might as well just go die in a fire. besides the fact that she’s already a queen, she’s prob­ably the sweetest person to everyone she meets, she has to make it worse by the fact that she genu­inely means it when she’s nice to you, but regard­less, she still won’t touch your penis. growing up, like all good arab girls, she prob­ably had an extremely over­pro­tective dad, and prob­ably a few hom­icidal brothers, so it’s no sur­prise that the only man who is ever allowed to see her naked is a king. the upside is that there are more than a few pic­tures of her floating around on the internet, so we can admire her from afar. the only down­side to queen rania is that she’s so per­fect that thinking about her while mas­turb­ating feels wrong. that’s some next level shit.

epic, 11mb high res­ol­u­tion photo