VEXED DATING TIPS FOR GUYS WHO ARE COMFORTABLE BEING JERKS

1. LANDING A HOT CHICK. it’s the same old story. every time you see some balding com­puter engineer, advan­cing the cause of nerds every­where, walking arm in arm with some drop dead gor­geous bomb­shell, you ask your­self: HOW THE FUCK IS THAT POSSIBLE? the obvious answer is that he must be rich. how­ever, there is also the untalked about aspect: girls and their self-​esteem.

the nat­ural force of shal­low­ness that god has given ensures that there will always be at least a handful of good­looking people in the world. people tend to hang out with other people who are roughly equal in phys­ical attract­ive­ness. that’s why the jocks are better looking than you, and all your friends look like anyone you see in a national geo­graphic magazine, none of whom you would ever con­sider fucking.

this leads to the ulti­mate ques­tion, ‘why are there so many ugly people in the world?’

the answer is easy: because some below average dude is bonking a super­model. as we all know, the ugly gene is car­ried by the father. there aren’t many gucci model guys walking around with some horseradish girl.

as stated earlier, people only hang out with people as good­looking as they are. but this isn’t def­inite; there are always anomolies. if you want to be one of the guys that other people go ‘ew, how did he get with her?’ then pay atten­tion, put on your coke bottles, and observe.

every so often — and this can happen any­where — you will see a group of people who are all mor­bidly unnat­tractive, except for this one girl, who is so hot, that your pants are down before you even know it. girls like this are either: a) small town types that are new to a big city and don’t know anyone yet, so they’ve hitched a ride to the first nice people they meet, b)have abso­lutely no sense of them­selves, and finally c)have crush­ingly low self-​esteem.

the first cat­egory, (a), are hard to land because they’re gen­er­ally the types that can’t handle being alone, and when they get more com­fort­able, will ditch their friends for greener pas­tures. forget this one. you can tell she is in this cat­egory if she seems a little uneasy being with a group of trekkies who are pre­tending they are in the matrix, and are always looking around to see if anyone’s noti­cing who they are hanging out with.

(b) and © are money. (b)‘s are the best because they have no ego, and are the kinds of girls who can throw on any old shirt and look great by default, and don’t give a shit that you still pick your nose and eat it because you’ve got such a great per­son­ality. how­ever,(b)‘s are just theory and none have ever been proved to exist in this world.

so you’re stuck with © — gen­er­ally very co-​dependent by nature, unsure of her­self, and will fuck you the moment you say some­thing like ‘you’re not ugly’ in her gen­eral dir­ec­tion. they get jealous very easily, don’t really know how to dress, apply make-​up, or dance, and get really awk­ward when you try to get to third base, and even worse, are cold dead little fishies when you finally get to have sex [which usu­ally takes forever because they are gen­er­ally very brain­washed by a con­ser­vative and proper upbringing]. if you’re willing to put up with all of this, just be nice to her and call her cutesy little names and enact scenes from her favourite meg ryan movie and that’s all there is to it. these girls make great slump­busters*. also, from a dis­tance, they look as good as any­thing else, and as long as you’re not intro­du­cing them to everyone you meet, you’re a stud, motherfucker.

2. MASTURBATE. about fifty mil­lion years ago, when humans became all self-​aware, and guys noticed they had dicks, they started fooling around, and mas­turb­a­tion was invented. they quickly learned that it helped to relax you so you could sleep better at night, and pre­vented embarassing boners at inap­pro­priate times. then dating was invented and it posed new problems.

dating was really tricky because guys spent all their times staring at the girl’s tits, or some other girl’s ass as she walked by. girls would notice this and became extremely irrit­ated. there needed to be a solu­tion. after much research, and many focus groups, it was dis­covered that the calming aspects of the post-​masturbatory mindset could be applied to pre-​date ceremony.

thus, if any of you girls have been on a date with a super cool guy who isn’t staring at your breasts all night, and he can talk about immanuel kant all night, and listens to all your boring stories, asks ques­tions, and seems genu­inely inter­ested in your opin­ions about oprah’s latest book of the month, it’s not because he’s prince charming and baby-​making material; it is because he was smart enough to jack off before he met up with you. the jerking off has loosened up his brain tem­por­arily so that he isn’t thinking about whether or not you’re a screamer, which you prob­ably aren’t, which sucks.

unfor­tu­nately, lots of guys avoid doing this because they are under the impres­sion that they’re going to get laid on the first date, and they want to save all their ‘energy’. these are the idiots who haven’t real­ized that any guy can get a fucking boner at any time, during any con­di­tion, even when your house is being burned down and your dog is get­ting stabbed repeatedly as long as it’s a hot chick doing it.

3. NAPKINS. nap­kins are basic­ally like the greatest inven­tion in the world ’cause they clean stuff up, and con­sid­ering you’re a guy, you’re in per­manent need of cleaning stuff up.

so let’s say you didn’t mas­turbate before you went to meet up with this girl for the first time, and you’re all nervous and fid­getty and devel­oping cold sweats because this is the first time you’ve been out of your house because you just down­loaded the latest sims add-​on. the last thing you want to do is make skin to skin con­tact with this chick because your hands are all slimy and gross and clammy and the girl is gonna think you were just furi­ously mas­turb­ating [girls are dumb like that].

the easiest way to avoid this awk­ward situ­ation is by stuffing some nap­kins down both front pockets of your pants, and every so often, when you feel that mois­ture devel­oping, shoving your hands so far down that it makes you look like you’re doing a double-​fisted dick-​scratching [girls love that shit because it means you got balls], but really, you’re just wiping your hands dry. it’s totally a win-​win situation.

4. MAKE HER NOT THINK ABOUT YOU. girls have this really fucked up logic system which drives their thinking that i don’t par­tic­u­larly under­stand. their heads are like a con­tinuous game of six-​degrees-​of-​separation. this works to your advantage because if any of what i’ve written so far seems like awe­some ideas, you’re prob­ably a creepy fuck, and the less she thinks about you when you’re with her, the better it is for you. with that in mind, avoid being in situ­ations where you are the focus of her atten­tion. it is imper­ative you guys do shit that takes her mind off of you before she fig­ures out you’re a scumbag.

girls love cute stuff. the defin­i­tion of cute may vary depending on a girl, but let’s rule out the fact you might be hanging with a psy­cho­path. ‘cute’ gen­er­ally means ‘baby ver­sions of things’. your best bet is taking her to a pet store or a pet­ting zoo or some­thing like that because 1) girls are easily dis­tracted by that shit, and 2) she’s no longer paying atten­tion to you. really, any­thing will do as long as you’re not having indepth dis­cus­sions about you and your per­sonal life. she doesn’t need to know what your unbeaten record in star­craft is.

girls equate having an great time with you being awe­some. it looks a little some­thing like this:

• cute puppy at pet­ting zoo –> you taking her there –> you being awesome

see, although it had nothing to do with you being ador­able, you still reap all the fucking rewards. how can you argue with that?

* slump­buster: some­times no matter what you do, you can’t get any sort of action. even the 3/​10s won’t even give you a second look. slump­busters are usu­ally the people who you nor­mally wouldn’t go for, but because your balls are about to explode, you close your eyes, bring a paper bag, hold your breath, and for a little while, the world is okay again, except you can’t look at your­self in the mirror for about two weeks. [defin­i­tion requested by denise]