INTRODUCTION:

the internet is all about escapism. that’s why you never meet more depressing, sad-​sacked, self-​obsessed screw­balls in real life than you do on the internet.

unless you’re a com­plete fucking mess of a human being, you’re already aware that hiding who you are behind a screen is very easy. this allows you the ability to recon­struct your own iden­tity in some con­vo­luted, mostly incom­plete, ideal rein­ven­tion of your­self. this explains why the internet has become so pop­ular since al gore invented it back in the early 90s; its being pro­pelled by miser­able sacks of shit like your­self who feel bad about them­selves and need more atten­tion, love, respect, among other things you could never garner enough of in real life because you’re so worthless.

before anyone gets offended by that, let me reit­erate: you’re prob­ably a pathetic human being and nothing you ever do actu­ally ever makes you happy, proud, or self-​confident, among other pos­itive self-​help buzzwords. maybe you were the victim of rampant par­ental abuse, teased in high school because you had a funny mole, con­stantly over­looked at the dance by attractive people, or always coming in second to your much more affable and attractive best friend. we’ve all been there, and it feels really fucking shitty.

in fact, if it wasn’t for the internet, i’m sure about 98% of you would have already com­mitted sui­cide, so i’m thankful the internet exists oth­er­wise i’d have zero read­er­ship. you should be thankful too.

anyway, i’ll be breaking this down into two major sec­tions for simplicity’s sake: one for guys, and the other for girls. i know, you’re shocked because even though 40% of girls on the internet are guys, all the freaks exhibit all the major traits of either sex they are pre­tending to be, so having a sep­arate one for gender-​confused circus acts would be pretty redundant, and i don’t want to be offending/​boring anyone.

PART 1: GIRLS

the qual­ities needed for a girl to be cool on the internet is wide open. thusly, you vaginaed people have a much easier time being accepted, regard­less of how grot­esque your unusual growths are because there will never be a shortage of pathetic little imp guys who will want to cybersex your brains out. how­ever, that is not to say there aren’t any standards.

1. DON’T BE SMART. guys, like everything else in the world, con­trol the internet. because guys are nat­ur­ally afraid of everything that might be better than them (that’s why they resort to viol­ence and swear words all the time), a smart girl is like public enemy number one. if you’re too smart to be manip­u­lated, your stock plum­mets faster than a fat kid trip­ping while run­ning up a steep hill. if you’ve go to col­lege, make sure you men­tion that you belong in a sor­ority and blow the foot­ball team every home­coming, oth­er­wise they may mis­take you for a prude instead of the soul­less slut you actu­ally are.

2. IF YOU ARE SMART, DON’T FLAUNT IT. as an addendum to the first, some­times you’re so smart, you can’t help but show it. how­ever, that is no excuse for having an opinion on politics or world issues. never use words like ‘extra­polate’ or ‘micro­cosm’ because you’re basic­ally insinu­ating intel­lec­tual superi­ority. keep in mind that you are second class cit­izens because you don’t have a penis. guys are very easily wounded when a girl uses a word that he barely under­stands. when some stupid ass poser jock is talking to you, you have to talk down to his level oth­er­wise you’ll never get to bring him a beer.

3. LEARN PHOTOSHOP. the internet, like real life, is image driven. if you’re like everyone else, you’re not too easy to look at, but with the advent of photo-​editting, even oprah win­frey has become mas­turb­a­tion fodder. you can too. never use flash either, and get the shit­tiest webcam you can find because the higher fidelity the camera, the worse it is for you. try to main­tain a single pose, and take about 80 shots. over­ex­posure is nice because it whites out your face and blends it in with the back­ground. the less atten­tion that you draw to those acne scars, the better the chances you have of get­ting hit on a lot.

4. LAUGH ALL THE TIME. if you don’t laugh, it auto­mat­ic­ally means that you’re boring and not worth talking to. everyone likes to hear other people laugh when they crack some shitty ass second-​rate joke they stole from some movie. the harder and the longer you laugh, the more staying power you’ll have. you can never use “hehe” and “LOL” too much. they are an invalu­able defence mech­anism to main­tain your rank as a sub­ser­viant spe­cies to creepy internet guys.

5. BECOME FRIENDS WITH THE MOST POPULAR GUY. this is very, very important. because you’re a female. you hold no nat­ural titles of authority or respect. you are judged solely on your asso­ci­ation to a powerful, respected member of whatever internet com­munity you are a part of. if you are tight with some high ranking offi­cial of some random chat room, nobody can talk shit about you because they are afraid of who your friends are, and don’t want to become vic­tims of back­biting that happen all too fre­quently when people even­tu­ally lose grip of reality and think that the internet is real life.

6. IF YOU’RE HOT, DON’T BE OFFENSIVE. if you’re really really pretty, and people tell you that you’re pretty all the time, don’t ever make the mis­take of thinking that you have any rights to an opinion. you don’t. you never will. and any­thing you ever say of sub­stance will never be taken ser­i­ously because you’re too “cute” to talk of such things. its better that you be a whiny little fucking baby. the fact that some sorry ass fucker finds you phys­ic­ally attractive (even if you’re actu­ally only a 6/​10) will give you unlim­ited power and you can be as manip­u­lative and evil as you want to people who are below you.

PART 2: GUYS

guys are prob­ably the worst thing that god ever cre­ated. most of them are shit­heads and they never actu­ally do any­thing right, but they have some inflated sense of superi­ority because they can beat women and make child porn. i don’t under­stand why nature decided to give guys all the authority in the world, but that’s the way it is and we all have to deal with it, no matter how annoying it gets. the bal­ance is that only a cer­tain per­centage of guys belong in the upper ech­elon of internet superi­ority, while most of the others swim in the same shit that even the highest ranking girl does.

1. TALK ABOUT ALL THE GIRLS YOU’VE FUCKED. even if you’re a virgin, and trust me, everyone can tell, talk about all the women that want to pay to suck your dick. there will always be enough stupid people to believe you. if you can build an empire on a found­a­tion of enough stupid people, they can bouy you into great­ness even if you’re just yet another liar trying to make him­self feel better. because the internet is still mainly a text/​word-​driven medium, what you say is still the most important thing. if you can hone your talking ability, this is some­thing you need to ser­i­ously focus on. as it was stated earlier, girls are nat­ural sluts so the more pussy you talk about, the more you’ll get in the future. it’s a sweet cycle that you need to work in your favour.

2. IF YOU DON’T HAVE LOOKS, TALK ABOUT STUFF YOU HAVE. a good way of taking atten­tion away from your dis­as­terous car wreck of a face is to talk a lot about your car. take lots of pic­tures of it. if you have a really shitty car, steal pic­tures of really expensive luxury and/​or super­cars that you dream of having. your taste in cars that you’ll never drive or own is important. lots of guys don’t even need pic­tures because girls feel so bad about them­selves they don’t really need any visual sating. they auto­mat­ic­ally assume that the guy is already better looking, and thusly, too good for them already. use this to your advantage.

3. BE SMART. as a polar opposite trait to girls, guys need to be smart oth­er­wise they really have no worth. and when i say ‘smart’, i don’t mean ‘intel­li­gent’. ‘smart’ just means that you can type pretty good, regard­less of whether or not you’re a fucking retard. the better you speak, and your opin­ions on things is what makes you a man. if you only have stolen pic­tures of a fer­rari from the internet, you’ll never hold anyone’s interest for very long. when you get into an argu­ment, keep arguing even if you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. it’s better to be deemed an idiot than to be flaccid and a giver-​upper. even though they’re only vir­tual, you still have balls to maintain.

4. FLIRT. if you want to gain internet cred­ib­ility in the shortest time pos­sible, flirt with everything with a pair of tits you can find. the internet is a place where guys walk around with their pants off, sticking their dicks out like swords. flirting is a parry, thrust, and stab all at once — the greatest offense and defence. when a girl, or mul­tiple girls on the internet want you, you auto­mat­ic­ally wield power. the more internet chicks you have flaunting their LOLs in your dir­ec­tion, the more untouch­able you become.

5. BE CYNICAL. if you’re not par­tic­u­larly gifted in any­thing, you should become a hate-​mongering cynic that is always ser­ious and lashes out with such emo­tional instability that it scares people into thinking you’re some deep, philo­soph­ical poet who is the dalai lama’s direct des­cendent or some­thing. girls get their panties in a mess when they can find one of these artist types because they’ve seen too many movies where brooding angry guy is the one who is the ideal mate.

6. IF YOU CAN’T BE CYNICAL, BE NICE. girls are so self-​absorbed, they all think they’re prin­cesses that deserve the utmost in cour­tesy and gen­eral chiv­alry. thusly, if you have no spine, and are not inter­esting enough to be cyn­ical, can’t get by on your looks because you have none, and are too poor to own or talk about cars, become a knight in shining armour. be really polite. 60% of guys use this tactic because most guys are too fucking boring to be oth­er­wise. they gen­er­ally end up becoming the best­friend of a girl instead of the boy­friend, but to them, it’s more than they actu­ally could ever expect. this is a last resort when you aren’t good enough for any­thing else.